I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
