You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
