i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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