yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
