Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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