To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
