Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
