tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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