she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
