ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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