hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
