she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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