defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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