The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
