So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize