I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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