what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
