one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
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