please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
