I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
