I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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