I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
