Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
