so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
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