Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
