Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
