Kiss
Puke
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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