dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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