if only i could text you this smell
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
