Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
