So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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