I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
