If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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