at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
