; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
