Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
