she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
