and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
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