went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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