So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
