i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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