His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
