marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
