The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
