I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
