i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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