watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
Randomize