Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
