I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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