I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize