Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
