Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
