Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
