I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Randomize